The depression ive been fighting for the last two weeks has tipped over in to rage. This is a good thing. 

Ive struggled with depression all of my life. When i was 12, i attempted suicide. Obviously i failed, but my family never knew. An amazing school counselor got me through that year. When i was 15, i wanted a baby more than anything in the world, despite being a virgin who wouldnt have her first kiss for two more years. My thought then was that a child would love me, respect me, look up to me. Thankfully, my shy nature and an amazing girl with my same childlike nature and a heart of gold saved me from that mistake. 

At 17, promiscuity became the way to judge my self worth. I prided myself on a steady stream of boyfriends. I used them, made them love me, then tossed them away with broken hearts. At 18, only three months after marrying (another attempt to "fix" myself), i found myself completely alone for the first time in my life when he joined the military against my will. I developed crippling social anxiety disorder on top of my depression, dropping down to 90lbs because i couldnt even leave the house to get food.


Somewhere along the line, i realized i actually WASNT like normal people. My own relationship issues, which had led to serial monogamy and rapid rebounding relationships with exes was a symptom of trying to fit myself into societal norms. There was no "one" for me. I dont even remember how i stumbled across the term "polyamorous" but it was a turning point in my life. Discovering that i wasnt broken, that there were other people out there like me... 


I've had three children along the way. My daughter was a life saver. As a surprise pregnancy from a troubled poly relationship before i had a term for it, she stopped my self destructive behavior. Five years later, they almost ended my life. 


After my youngest was born, i broke down and spoke to the doctor. She put me on meds, which worked well for a while. 


I'll be honest. At this point, im drained. I've written a lot more today than what is here now. I may add more as another entry at a later date, i may not. As of now, my children live with their father, by my choice. Because of that choice, i am still alive. My depression has been controlled with little to no effort for the past 5 years. 2 weeks ago, that control was shattered.